“Pain Memory”

The mind has a powerful way of remembering pain and loss of love. Today I thought I was in the midst of the “hangover blues”. But today marks 3 years that I was planning my wedding to marry the most wonderful man in the world who showed me what real love and affection is all about.

Nevian and Santello investigated the modification of neurons by chronic pain in a brain region called Gyrus Cinguli, which is associated with the emotional aspects of pain. In this context the establishment of a “pain memory” plays an important role, as Thomas Nevian explains. “The neurons are constantly activated by a noxious stimulus, thus building a memory trace for pain that becomes irreversible. Our idea was to understand this mechanism better to derive potential new treatment strategies.”

 

 

Cycle of Addiction

Breaking the never ending cycle of addiction is a tough thing to do, especially when you are not the addict. Addiction surprisingly begins at home, from the very first moment you give your child sugar. And in that moment the child becomes addicted. Who doesn’t get addicted when it comes to delicious things that aren’t good for you?. As the child grows they begin to have more addicting things like coffee.

Another thing about addiction is when there is kids who are raised in a home where all they see is addiction to drugs and alcohol. They grow up thinking it is okay to drink alcohol to party in their teenage years, but who is to help them if the parent is an addict themselves?. I grew up with an alcoholic mother in my life but on the other hand my father was no where near being an addict other than being a workaholic. Thankfully I had my father to guide me into the right direction. Years later I’m raising children other than my own who come from families with the illness of addiction. The struggle with them everyday, is them not knowing right from wrong when all they knew was not always right. I begin to struggle with the teenager when she becomes experimental with drugs and alcohol. I do not agree with under age drinking. I do not want to become responsible for anything going wrong, especially when it is done in my own home. How do you parent these teens and help them to understand there is more out there to help with emotional trauma. Drugs and alcohol will only numb their pain but it will never take it away.

Unfortunately they run to what they have known for all their life, the addicts themselves that were in their life and they seek attention and they give them exactly what they want. They give them that excuse that it is okay to do what they are doing. Its time to break that cycle its time to stand up for what you think and know is right and that is leading them away from that life where drugs and alcohol numb the pain but for only a short while… Speak up to the addicts and let them know they are leading these innocent kids in the wrong direction. They need self care in another way than addiction. Its time to break that cycle of addiction in the family and hope for brighter days to come where drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer to every bad situation.

Confusing Love & Lust

While love & lust are easily mistaken for, sometimes we feel like lust is just the beginning of love. Well lets just say love is a completely different feel than lust. When you love someone you give it your all to the very end. You never give up on love. Love is just an evolutionary force. But what do I know?.  They say love is blind, but is it really blind? How can you not see it and when you love someone with all you have meanwhile they could not be returning that kind of love. LUST is what that could be. Lust unfortunately is nothing close to love. Lust is a make believe feeling that you feel when you meet someone thinking you could be in love with this person. Easily mistaken for, lust is an altered state of consciousness. When you feel lust for someone it is like being in a make believe state thinking you could actually love this person, meanwhile you barely know who they are. Which brings us back to the beginning. You want to keep this relationship with lust in a fantasy world and not wanting to admit to the real feelings. Lovers & not Friends.  Love on the other hand has a special affect on someone. You begin to feel this feeling deep down inside. When you love someone you want to make the other person happy, to feel love, to listen and understand their feelings. Love motivates and acknowledges. Love encompasses strong positive emotional feelings, the most sublime virtue. Share your love story.

Love Lost

Everyday I find myself day dreaming. I think about him and wonder. I wander off into a dream of being in love again. Finding him at the end of tunnel where a bright light shines and I see his face again. I long for him. His smile, his touch, his laugh. Will we be together again in the after life?. Is he waiting for me?.

The radio plays at work most times I don’t notice until a song comes on and reminds me of our love story. Is this him letting me know he is there with me?. The hardest part of it all is not knowing but the feeling of it. I feel his comfort and his guidance. I detour off from it, I drink to forget. But why would I want to forget??? It hurts knowing I cant see you and touch you.

 Only Love and Death will Change all things

Grief. It NEVER ends.

When life seems brighter there is always something weighing me down. Deep inside my heart hurts. My mind takes control. I still miss you. I want to see you again, I want to hold you close to me. I want to feel that love again. I want to go back and save you. But I can’t. There is nothing I can do to change anything and that’s the part I can’t get over. I can’t make you come back.

For my step children

Being a step parent isn’t always easy. No one was born saying they can’t wait to be a step parent. But it was in the stars that I was born to be one. Being a step mom means you grew in my heart, I never gave you the gift of life. But life gifted me with you! I love you all very much. We may have our good days and we may have our bad days but I promise you, I would never change it for the world.

To all the step parents out there – we are not great because we are step parents, we are great because we never give up! We never give up on the child or the spouse who have been given up on prior to us.

The Sad Truth

I didn’t leave because I stopped loving you, I left because the longer I stayed the less I loved myself. ~Regret not learning to love myself~ I miss you~ I will never be able to go back in time to love you, hold you, see you or feel you~

Its almost time..

A month away to mark one year. The days are getting easier, no more crying spells, watery eyes, or excuses of a yawn. I’m learning to accept…. You & I. From the very first moment I saw you that’s when I knew all the dreams in my heart would come true. You were just one promise to late. I had already given my promise to someone. I never wanted to break your heart, make you cry. Everything we had I held so dear. Slowly it’s disappearing. I have to learn to love again, because loving you was so unreal.. just like a dream. As much as I wanna hold you now, it’s time to let go. What will be will be.. just know, you were something special to me, something so real. And now your gone. I guess we both have to let go. I forgive you, but most importantly I forgive me. And now the time has come, we’ll never have to say good bye again. It’s your time to finally fly.

“This years love had better last”

RIP B.J.R

When does grieving end?

I’m at a stand still. I feel like I’m going in circles, when does this cycle end?. Nine months have passed by since he has passed on. Not a day goes by that I feel any better – less sadden. How do you let go of the one you once loved and he is no longer here on earth??? How do you learn toaccept?. I just can’t make any sense of this so called “Grieving” I don’t want to hurt anymore, I can’t hold the tears in anymore, no matter how hard I try. I’m so angry with myself and it’s driving me insane. I just want to live, how can I feel alive again with all this hurt?

He came to visit me in my dream the other night. It’s been awhile. It drives me insane that I can’t remember. Days go by and the signs are there.

“Sometimes we hold onto memories so close, that we don’t realize what’s in front of us”

Jealous of the Angels

 I’m so numb, I can’t feel anymore. You were there to catch me when I’d fall, I wish you could catch me now. I didn’t think I’d have to say good bye to you so fast. Your love lives on inside of me and I’ll hold on tight. It’s not my place to question, I’m just jealous of the angels tonight. Longing for the day until I see your face again. Grieving is everlasting, just when you think everything is okay and you’ll be alright.. you begin to break down again. One day at time. ❤️